The School of Life (Spoof)

Leftism Disorder


Imagine you’re about to parachute out of a plane on your first solo jump. You push yourself out the door and plunge to earth, some fourteen thousand feet below. It’s exciting and you’re enjoying yourself.

But right after you pull the cord, you notice the chute appears to be stuck. The wires are all tangled up, and the canvas won’t unfold properly. You can’t help but notice the surface below is closing in at alarming speeds. You start to panic.

Overwhelmed with immense fear and stress, not knowing what to do, you all of a sudden experience a pop in your head. Your mind has fled to a safe space. It’s as though you are observing yourself from a distance.

In this condition, you seem to be controlling your body the way a driver controls a car. The fear you felt before has gone away. You feel calm and focused, and know exactly what to do.

You make a rational decision that is about to save your life. You release the failed parachute by pulling a cord strapped onto your chest, and you activate a second chute—the emergency chute—by pulling another. You land safely in a maize field.

What happened to your mind is called dissociation. Under extreme anxiety, fear, or stress—or God forbid, pain and torture—people’s minds can seemingly detach themselves from their bodies, stopping us from going insane.

The ability to dissociate our minds from our bodies, then, is a life-saving quality of the human psyche. But when we permanently dissociate from ourselves and from reality, we are suffering from Dissociative Rational Politics, or DERP.

Research shows that men suffering from dissociative politics are more likely to be physically smaller and shorter in stature than their less frightful compatriots. They feel a constant need to dissociate from “the others”, such as rural conservatives or religious people, or from anyone else they deem “too emotional”.

It is from this sterile condition that a host of delusional side effects arise. So disconnected from reality, rationalist political thinkers begin to see an imaginary world, one in which all people are somehow born equal.

They see a world without class differences, without races and religions, without financial inequality, a world in which rational minds all work together for the common good rather than compete against one another.

In this Rational State, ordinary people may even discard the very notions of biology and family, for a mind without a body has no history, no gender, no family, no class, no face, and no life.

This is the world of DARPA and of Boston Dynamics, a world in which robotic machines may become replacement vehicles for our bodies; a world in which people with physical disabilities may, one day, upload their minds to a computer and live on forever.

To usher in the victory of the Rational over all things Natural, the dissociated person must avoid any and all confrontation with the real world. Rational Man prefers to flee into logic in order not to provoke emotions among those he perceives as threats.

All rational politics, then, is deeply rooted in an irrational fear of the outside world, or rather, in the inability to overcome said fear. Should we allow the Rational Left to design a technocratic world for all, one in which faceless and gender-neutral people are ruled by algorithms?

Perhaps people should be careful not to succumb to the paralyzing fears that shut themselves in. Instead, we should confront our weaknesses. We should always strive to reunite our bodies with our minds.

And people suffering from Dissociative Rational Politics would do well to note that, without their bodies, they would be nobodies.

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